Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
Clowns are creepy.

Italian bakers are involved in organized crime.

Going into witness protection in Memphis, TN is a bad idea.

CSIs can get fingerprints from anything with a little liquid nitrogen.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
A just published memo from David Mamet explains why I like to snark at crime drama:

HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

DO NOT WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR AND HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
I'm getting a bit burnt out on CSI. I think it's because my television current bad television loves are slower to update while CSI delivers on a weekly basis whether we want it or not. But things I learned from CSI:
  • Fugitives can push aside manhole covers like they are Frisbees.
  • Medical examiners will keep their lunch in the same room as the cadaver, and use lunch items to demonstrate medical concepts.
  • Police departments will spend hours investigating traffic accidents.
  • People suffering from profound mental illness plot byzantine multiple homicides.
  • Hallucinations are just like having a conversation with dead people.
  • No matter where you go, there is a camera watching.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
Ok, I'm kidding about the pony. But that was the main thing that stuck out for me about the mega ratings-boosting CSI crossover in which Morpheus conducts his Odyssey through the world of human trafficking. Usually visiting people get reimbursed for cab fare or picked up by a worker assigned to escort duty. But nope, Morpheus gets ferried from the airport in a police helicopter every time.

Each location goes down the short list of CSI sins, and since there is a murder in every episode, that list is gruesome and short.

Miami: thou shalt not cut up bodies for disposal
NY: thou shalt not cut up bodies for organs
LV: thou shalt not covet your pimp's trick

New York though gets credit for topping the rest in pure silliness. Not only do you have Morpheus come out of the helicopter, but you have a meeting with a police informant held in a city park, for the entire purpose of getting Morpheus to comment on a war memorial. You have Morpheus cocking a shotgun. You have Morpheus hopping on a conveniently unlocked motorcycle to chase after a suspect. It's all very amusing and wanky.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
I must admit, that I have this weird sort of thing about Nick Stokes. It comes from noticing that he never seems to get any character development love. We get entire seasons devoted to Grissom's intimacy issues, Warrick's gambling issues, Willows's daddy issues, Brass's family issues, and of course, Sarah as the perpetual victim. Heck, even the supporting cast seems to get more development than poor Nickie. Wendy and Hodges have nauseating sexual tension from season to season, while Nick got lucky once in the last decade. And let's not go into they way that every other episode reveals too much information about Super Dave's marital shenanigans.

It's not that nothing ever happens to Nick, it's just that anything that happens to Nick gets shoved into a scriptwriting limbo(*) where it never gets mentioned again. Nick's dramatic reveal of childhood sexual abuse goes nowhere and does nothing, while Sara's childhood abuse becomes almost a whole season of alcoholism and conflict with Eckley. Sara is sadistically tortured by a serial killer and (temporarily) leaves law enforcement. Nick is sadistically tortured by a serial killer and gets one flashback in the next episode. The painful development of the Sara/Grissom ship involved 8 years of innuendo and subtext. Nick gets a fling with a hooker who is murdered the next episode.

So of course, when CSI deals with the touchy issue of men who rape men, we don't get a hint that we've seen Nick have a personal reaction to a similar case before. We end up with a full episode of Minotaur China Shop treatment of how horrible it was that the kid was rape, and oh dear, doesn't that make him the prime suspect in our murder case. And on top of that, we have a transparently obvious love interest for Nick as well.

Ominous line from Morpheus: "For some men, violence is their sex."

Even more ominous line from Hodges: "I just want you to be happy."

Jump the shark moment: Greg, finding himself alone at the murder scene, declares that he's going to deliver an expository monologue explaining the clues by talking to himself.

(*) Nick's character development is apparently subletting a bedroom to Archie, who seems to be perpetually at a conference or on coffee break this season.

CSI wank

Nov. 11th, 2009 10:55 am
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
Lessons learned from CSI:

If your neocortex is destroyed, you'll at least eat your cheereos before your die.

Bachelor parties are a bad idea. Your best friends get stoned, and end up killing a guy over a stolen Matisse. And your future father-in-law is likely to kidnap you and stick you in the middle of the ocean in a dingy.

Meanwhile, it's the New York gang's turn to get preachy over the economic crisis. We find that Hawks lost his home due to bad investments, and of course, the lab tech is into the fetish of the month, "sloshing." In another year, they'll give up the pretense of linking strip clubs and fetish events into the plotl, and just spend five minutes in Act II showing gratuitous choreographed pole dancing and dry humping in lingerie.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
When you hear hoofbeats behind you, don't expect to see a zebra. Unless it's CSI.

You know what has more wank than the usual CSI morality play?

When they try to tackle complex issues like the latest economic meltdown, racism, or food production!

So of course, the Miami show has gotten positively preachy. We have an episode about a fund manager who swindled away millions of dollars from investors during the crash. He's graphically murdered by an airplane salesman. The best thing about this episode were the thuggish and charming aircraft repo men.

In the next episode they switch tracks to talking about cow shit on your salad. Which isn't that bad if you ignore the repeated reminders that they are investing labor and lab time for something completely out of their jurisdiction. The problem is that tracking cow shit evidently isn't enough to fill an episode, so when a second victim drops, we get zebras in the form of frankenfoods.

But in this case, the technobabble doesn't make sense. To make more money, big agribusiness cloned a bacterial gene into corn to make it more digestable. This gene just happens to magically transform into a completely different gene from a completely different species to create instant botulism.

Now granted, I'm a highly biased person who has a long-standing regional hate against Monstanto for manufacturing the chemical brew that turned my hometown into a Superfund site. But this voodoo genetics isn't even wrong. I did some genetic engineering in my misspent youth, and it just doesn't work that way. It's like saying that a gene for white hair in cats suddenly becomes a gene for snake venom.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, we have zebras in the form of the poor misunderstood officer who totally was not guilty of racial bias in shooting a fellow officer in the back. Because he was half-blind and reacting too quickly to events. The episode closes with the ham-fisted rhetorical question, "Who is the bad guy here?" The people writing this episode, my friend.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
What we learned from CSI this week, and some personal stuff:

Read more... )
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
Well, this is becoming a weekly thing.

Read more... )
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
So, what's worse than the violent shooting death of a supporting character?

Putting a main character in a wheelchair evidently. Oh, how can I snark the season premiere of CSI: NY? Let me count the ways.

Read more... )
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
If you were last seen fleeing the scene of a shootout between Russian mafia and police officers, you'll wake up in the hospital surrounded by all your friends.

Which just goes to show, television law works differently when cops are a suspect, except when it doesn't.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
... motorcycle clubs only hold charity events to mask their murderous drug-abusing ways.

Which means my mom and dad have been living a secret double-life as methheads.

Profile

cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
cbrachyrhynchos

July 2017

S M T W T F S
       1
234 5678
91011 1213 1415
16 17 1819202122
23 2425 26272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Style Credit

Page generated Jul. 28th, 2017 07:01 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios