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I learned from CSI, via Letterman

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cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
So over the weekend, I watched the Season 9, Episode 20 "A Space Oddity" which revealed that producers decided to replace the painful Grissom/Sidle strained romance with the even more painful Hodges/Simms romance, in yet another episode that reveals that Hodges has an imagination that overshadows the depravity of the multiple serial killers that inhabit the Las Vegas area.

Just to refresh your memory. Hodges is the smug and condescending lab tech who, at the end of last season, developed a board game around creative ways to snuff his co-workers, ending with himself. And Simms is the lab tech who is inexplicably attracted to Hodges. This episode establishes their relationship as neigh inevitable, as they both share the same workplace and are fans of the same television show. Which gives them more than the Monroe/Messer ship over on CSI:NY.

About 1/3rd of the episode happens in Hodges's fevered imagination in which he imagines himself as a parody of a parody of Captain Kirk, an act of semiotic regression that makes the academia-babble of the media-studies professor seem clear. And meanwhile, Sims is plugged into a variety of romantic roles opposite Hodges's masturbatory fantasy. And let's face it, Hodges oggling co-wokers in his own slash fantasies is less nauseous than the way Hollywood writers treat geek-on-geek love in the show.

Out of his imagination, the episode is tediously dull, without even the forensic fireworks of performing a genetic profile of the victim's chlamydia, the mystery having all the requisite motivations of sex and greed wrapped into one.

But perhaps most importantly, this episode establishes the basic rule of the CSI:LV show which is that criminal investigations and healthy relationships don't mix:

Willows/Brown: Both unhappily divorced, any hint of attraction between them snuffed along with Warwick.

Grissom/Lady Heather: Mutual self-destruction.

Grissom/Sidle: Dragged out for 8 seasons before given a happy ending cribbed from an '80s romantic comedy.

Sidle/EMT Guy: Mutual incompatibility.

Stokes/Prostitute with a heart of gold: She's fridged after two episodes. No confirmed relationship since then.

Dr. Robbins and David: Both claim to be married off-screen, but have you ever seen their partners? Probably schtupping each other.

Hodges/Grissom: Never consummated. But seriously, if I ever start a CSI snark community, Hodges/Grissom slash would be the only one permitted. Not that I think that they make a cute or hot couple, but because it would best fit the CSI:LV theme of hopelessly inept nerds not-flirting with each other.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
... I learned from CSI, part II.

Firefighters and EMTs will, in the heat of the moment, forget their spinal injury training to lift the victim's head in order to remove helmets or make the dead body more comfortable.

Young kids can strangle their parents, its a matter of angle rather than strength.

Mexican wrestlers all have police records.

If my body parts are eaten by vultures, they can always perform a autopsy in virtual reality.

Police officers with the "Blue Flu" can be bribed with chicken soup.
cbrachyrhynchos: (Default)
I learned from CSI.

Like, it takes two tubes of toothpaste to kill a person. And benadryl totally prevents hurling.

And NYPD budget cuts means that instead of calling down to the next precinct for a Ukrainian translator, they now get to use a computer with a plasma screen monitor to deliver uncertain partial translations.

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